fill.me.with.passion [entries|archive|friends|userinfo] Trina KSC [ website | Short Words, Often Updated ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ archive | journal archive ]

Where No One Has Gone Before [May. 9th, 2009|01:08 am] [ Tags | carter, happiness, home, love, sad, star trek ] I went to see Star Trek tonight. Five minutes in, I felt anxious. Ten minutes in, I was upset. I felt uncomfortable, and couldn't place it. I was giggling, moaning, grabbing Hil and hugging her, crying, shaking, enthralled, my heart exalting. And then I realized, I was upset because it would end. I was upset because for the first time in years, in years, I felt like I was home. The movie was perfect, and in a lot of ways, everything I needed. I grew up watching TNG. Trek was my first love. I was three years old, chanting along, singing high and giggling, loving everything it ever was. Accepting it. It was, is the first piece of nerd culture that was mine. It was as much a part of me as anything, and always has. I can't not watch it when it's on. And all of the watching paid off. I was grabbing Hil, mumbling OH HO HO, I KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT. Several times I found myself rubbing against the chair, moaning involuntarily. It felt like home. It felt like exactly where I needed to be. I felt wanted. I felt hale, and whole. It was home. And I was safe. Nothing could have been better. Home. It was home, and I miss to so much my eyes can't stop tearing up. It was funny. It was quick. It was Star Trek. It had a lot of fan appeal; I was gasping or cheering minutes before everyone around me in some cases. I SHOUTED "OH MY FUCK, WE ARE GONNA SEE THE MOTHER FUCKING KOBAYASHI MARU" too loudly, and handfuls of minutes later it happened. It was accessible. It was well cast. The story could not have been more perfect. I have no complaints. I was home. ..When my family watched Voyager together, my mother would sigh at the opening credits. "This song feels like home." I understood it then. I grok it now. It made me cry. I feel grounded. And for now, while I'm still high, I am whole. I am whole. I am home. Also, totally screamed "I AM FACEBOOK FUCKING FRIENDS WITH THAT GUY!" when Carter's cousin was on screen. And, that was the closest I have ever come to a non-sexual orgasm. Like, actually having shivering mini-gasms. If Matt was there, he would be wearing bruises from gropes and kisses. link 8 infected.|Devour the living.

So Bring Your Favorite Lady [Apr. 30th, 2009|11:54 pm] [ Tags | gmmatt, happy, life, tired ] Been antisocial lately, but in a happy way. I've cleaned up LJ a lot, cut out a lot of chaff, people I don't read. My life is.. actually a lot better when I don't read LJ. I miss the communication, but I haven't really been using it for that, and is easily adds 70%, maybe 80% more drama in my life. I can't even keep up with my emails, and writing here is hard, especially when I feel I have to take a picture. The goal is to cut everything back. Spreading myself so thin is not good for me. I don't even have enough energy for myself. Work is fine, home is fine, friends are fine, Matt is fine. I miss him more than words can express. Everything else is just.. little complaints. I'm looking forward to the opening up of farmer's markets. I cook all the time, and get better, expand. I haven't lost or gained weight in a month, which is depressing and good. I don't work out enough, but for the first time my diet makes me feel good. As soon as I can get some organic (though I'm REALLY hoping for sustainable) pork, I am making spite pulled pork. I am more tired of this flu than you would believe. I hang out on Vesmir a lot, running 2 to 3 games a week. I am also almost always on skype, though, unsurprisingly, almost always talking to Matt. If you miss me, you should IM me. My journalling process has moved into conversation logs and email now. I'll try to drop a note; my head is flooded with rants... But it's tough. I'm tired of caring so much about things that depress, hurt, or exhaust me. I'm tired of being without Matt. Don't be hurt by my absence. I'm just trying to stay sane. I'll always welcome your conversation. link 3 infected.|Devour the living.

"I Have Dozens Of Fans! Bakers Dozens! ..They Come In Thirteens..." [Jan. 16th, 2009|06:11 pm] My hair is green now. My co-workers are amused to confused, but no one minds. This picture is from a few nights ago; I kept meaning to start and entry about an experiment I tried, but I get distracted. Last night I was watching Evil League of Evil applications, and the Doctor Horrible Musical Commentary. I worked out while watching, laughed hard, and worked out for another 40 minutes to finish ELE applications. Seriously, the Reverend. I did not stop. Laughing. For hours. So, my experiment is a bit graphic, and for those of you who don't wanna hear about my month off of birth control after two years on. You know. My period. ( THE BLEEDING ) My birthday is the 23rd. I keep forgetting, and wonder why the day is important in my mind. My birthdays have pretty much always been anti-climactic. I spent the last two in England, the first alone though the roomies gave me a cake and candles, and the last with Matt, dying of digestive troubles and vegan room mates. So, we'll see. link 4 infected.|Devour the living.

Penis? I Got One, Yanno. I Write Down /D/ For Dildo. I Write Down /D/ For Dunno. [Dec. 29th, 2008|08:39 pm] [ Tags | busy, family, gmmatt, happy, hil, home, sick ] Holy dick, how the hell is it the end of 2008 already? Speaking of dicks, I'm kind of one for not posting forever. So, let's see, how can I bring you to speed on my life.. ( Lists. ) There is so much more I could write.. I just don't even know where to start. I have tons a pictures to post, and I likely will post a bunch of DA and here. If you want to know how I've been, just ask.. But you must understand, I didn't mean to leave you, though I did miss a month and half or so of LJ. I moved, I gained and lost a boyfriend, I traveled across the country twice, I went to a wedding a tons of shows and a handful of DnD games and.. and.. I'm sorry for ditching you. I did get sweet speakers and the SWEETEST Webcam for Christmas from work, though, so you can expect more of this.. I may start a Video Blog.. link 8 infected.|Devour the living.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends [Sep. 21st, 2008|10:19 pm] [ Tags | awesome, friends, gil ] Most of you don't know Quinn, but you want to, even if you don't know it yet. She's a big, blond, gutsy, hardcore historian, who can shoot a revolutionary-era gun. She's hysterically funny, she's impossibly kind, generous even when she has nothing, a roleplayer through and through, and an amazing writer. Being around her does make you feel better, and she's so fast on the uptake you find you can discuss anything with her, and she groks it instantly. She's been more shit in her life than I can even comprehend, and her parents make my mother look like the world's most patient, forgiving, giving saint. She's strong, stronger than she knows, and while I don't think soulmates exist, seeing her with Gil gives me real hope I may be wrong. I've never seen two people more perfect for each other, and that includes me and Oh-God-Jesus-Shit-Me-And-My-Other-Half-Matt. They're in a similar situation; long distance, and they can't move in together, until Quinn gets a place, but that's looking.. less likely, and it's killing them like it's killing me. Quinn's pulled herself by her bootstraps so many times that they're starting to fray. She's homeless now; her parents refuse to help her, despite living minutes away. Did I mention they are hardcore Christians, and really dislike the fact she's gay? She just started her dream job working at the "Please Touch" museum in Philly, but her car broke down, and needs a whole engine. She's lived in homeless shelters before, and it's not an awesome experience, but she's really running out of options. In November, she'll have health care for the first time in years, despite her desperate need for a list of problems that need pretty much constant help/medicine/care that she simply couldn't afford. I've seen people with far far fewer problems crumble and fall, and while I'm not saying they may have had legitiate reasons to, Quinn's done much much more with much much less help.. For the first time since I've known her, Quinn's asking for help. Yeah, she needs money (she has a paypal account: angelicphoenix@gmail.com), but she needs support and care too. If you can give anything, even a couple of bucks to help her out, a comment on her LJ (quinby), a picture of a fandom (Rent or Discworld, maybe).. It would be awesome. Need incentive to give more? Well fine, I'll write porn for you, you pick a topic. People on LJ are the most generous people I know, and even just keeping her in your thoughts will help. Again, her LJ is quinby and you can donate via paypal at angelicphoenix@gmail.com. Anything would be so appreciated. Thank you so so much. P.S. I am fine, much better than before, and I'll write more soon. EDIT: PPS, Holy DICKS you guys are generous, kind, amazing. Thank you so so much for all your support so far. It means a lot to all of us; Quinn of all people should know she's loved. I wanted to write so much more but.. Now I'm glad I didn't prattle on endlessly for pages. Again, thanks so amazingly happy kittens much. EDIT EDIT: PPPS, As of Tuesday night, Quinn has a place to stay, and you can read the amazing thread here. No words on her car as of yet. link 51 infected.|Devour the living.

You Don't Need To Emerge From Nothing [Aug. 16th, 2008|11:03 pm] [ Tags | crying, depressed, food, gmmatt, happy, pet ] So. The day after my last post, I bought two tan, female mice. One was bright and smart, and the other was gentle and clingy. After a day, I noriced the very gentle one wasn't eating, and she was making little clicking noises. I find out she has a respitory infection, and by the time I get a hold of the vet, she tells me there's not much I can do if she's not eating and is very weak, just that I need to keep the other once safe. Within two days, after coughing and twitching and spasming in pain, followed by seizures, she dies in my hands. AWESOME. She buried under a pine tree outside. The other mouse, however, and I bonded afterward. I barely got to know her, because I was taking care of the weak little mouse, but it turns out she very, very smart. Within five minutes of being the cage, she found the nest, the water bottle, the food, the wheel.. And she has a tendacy to jam bedding under the wheel and climb to the top. I decided on a name theme after a day or two of keeping her alone: Engie, the Engineer Mouse. She's very sweet, doesn't mind too much being held, and is very cute. Of course, yesterday she started sneezing, so we have a vet appointment, oh god oh god it's so expensive, on Wednesday. She's very active, eats a lot, even drinks water, so I'm not too worried. I have her in my bed now, next to me, her cage kept warm by my body, norty, and blankets. I did, before she started sneezing, buy two more mice. A brown, not very bright but sweet one named Heavy, and a smarter but twitchy black and white one named Medic. Since Engie's been sick, I haven't been spending as much time with them, and they're kind of antisocial anyway, but so soft. I think they might be getting sick too, but we'll find out on Wednesday. It's been taking up a lot of time, effort energy.. Combine that with.. everything else, moving across the country, Mr. Dzioba, being too lonely to move.. I've been good. I feel productive. I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm tired but.. But I'm not depressed, just slowly dying form lack of physical contact. It's a change, and the only bad part is a 7 hour time change instead of 5. The mice help with the crushing loneliness, making the sickness even worse, ahahaha.. ah. But Engie will be fine. She's such a good girl. In other news, Denver remains beautiful, my job is still great, despite being alone in the hallway cubicle thing now, and a general lack of sleep. My co-workers are all pretty awesome, and such highlights have included being encouraged by the CEO to get a giant cardboard rhino head, and telling a very very well-meaning Christian engineer he was a paladin. When he asked what it was, I briefly explaind, ending with, "A law abiding, good Solider of God". He enjoyed that. I'm.. pretty busy all the time. If you wanna talk, you may need to hunt me down a bit.. I'll appreciate it, and I'll try my best to answer. Nan Desu Kan in one month. You should visit; we have an amazingly convincing very strange but authentic Japanese resturant staffed entirely by cute/moe/attractive people named after flowers and gods. You should check it out. link 8 infected.|Devour the living.

A PURSE IS NOT FOOD [Aug. 5th, 2008|03:01 am] [ Tags | future, gmmatt, happy, hil, job, pet ] A short update, because I am tired and tlaking to Matt. Work is awesome. I'm adjusting well, and impressed them enough for them to hire me without a contract period and get a pay raise. Deb, the accountant/web designer/internet marketting lady is hilarious and I work hard with her. She's so freaking awesome, a definate kindred spirit. Everyone is the office is pretty nice, my boss is pretty great, the CEO is charming as hell and smiles like Natalie Portman, I have no windows but I do have a lot of space. I laugh a lot, and spend a lot of time putting things in Quickbooks, answering email, shipping CDs, and working with mortgage firms. Also, half my office seems to be trying to imort SOs, and I find this funny and tragic. Oh, and yes, they are good works Christians, and I go on prayer walks. We spend some time hoping that immigraion will let our loved ones in. I do love the office, though, quite a lot. Denver has pretty awesome food. Despite the mostly vegetarian cuisine, Hil's family cooks well and my room is awesomely huge with an awesome bed. I really like her family, and I should, given she's going to Otakon while I hang out with her family. Sigh. George is awesome as everyone said, and I've had a lot of fun. The food here is only degrees worse than the mecca of food, LA, and the sushi I have had here has blown me away. There is a fire here now; 300+ acres of land are lakc and dead, and since everything here looks like a fucking postcard, it's weird to see giant black mountains. And it's so beautiful. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. And handy, too, since the mountains are always west. I am enjoying it here quite a lot, though deep down all I want to do is be with Matt. We're coping, if poorly, but I get my first paycheck tomorrow, and I am going to get a new computer and.. And I'm happy. Much much happier than I have been in.. a long long while. I miss Matt but.. things are going pretty well. And I am feeling the urge for a cuddable, lovable pet (that is not a dog, especially a bulldog, as we found out that hugging them too hard gives me hives) mostly because I am lacking in human touching. So I want a pocket mose, to pet and pet and pet. link 7 infected.|Devour the living.

I Guess What I Am Really Trying To Say Here Is I. HATE. SAURKRAUT. [Jul. 19th, 2008|10:27 pm] [ Tags | future, gmmatt, hil, job, plants, travel, wtf ] When I was hanging out with my cousins at their lake house, they said, "Just jump in. That way, your feet won't get cold." I think, maybe, I have jumped into this job thing. I never really had time to grasp what was going on, lists filling my head with a sense of urgency that I didn't fully grok. Ten days from accepting my job to working.. Everything's moved so fast. And not that I am here, I feel.. isolted, confused, and exhausted. I don't think I realized how far away I was going to be, or if I did, maybe I'm just really, really feeling the 5,000 miles between Matt and I. I am in Denver after a harrowing day, with an Avocadro is is quite worse for wear, the poor thing. He's perked up somewhat after being repotted, but I had to chop inches off of each end, and his leaves are still pretty droopy. I've eaten and slept well, though I still feel exhausted and well.. I'm freaking out, but I'll get to it later. ( Updating... ) I just feel like it would be easier if Matt was here. He makes me feel like I can do anything, and being so far away, so so far away is.. Very tough. Very very tough. It's sort of like a constant pain. I shouldn't complain, cuz I'm with the man of my dreams, but fuck, it's so hard. I can't help but think that one thing would make this 500x easier. link 9 infected.|Devour the living.

I'm On Fire, And Now I Think I'm Ready To Bust A Move [Jul. 15th, 2008|10:47 pm] [ Tags | future, hil, job, panic, party, plants ] For those of you playing along at home who didn't hear the news, I got the job in Denver. I'm too freaking out for excited-caps-lock, because I have A MILLION THINGS TO DO OH GOD. As expected, my freaking-out caps lock works just fine. ( AAAAAAAALISTAAAAAAAA ) I am leaving on Friday morning in the wee hours. I would like to have a small get-together on Thursday. This would involve, depending on who can make it: hanging out for a little bit, going out for sushi, coming back to my place, having a champagne toast, and watching a movie. This would start at about 7 o'clock, end at 11-midnightish and if you can read this, you are invited. Please comment if you would like to attend. Side Note: I bought a beautiful titanium captive, and I lost the bead for it. In looking for it, I found; a fuzzy dime sized spider made of love that was protecting her eggs, something that was bread 2 months ago which is now only slime and mold, 3 different pieces of lingerie. And I still haven't found the bead. Edit: It's always in the last place you look, isn't it? GRUMBLE GRUMBLE. link 13 infected.|Devour the living.

Mr. President, I Don't Like You; You Don't Know How To Rock [Jul. 8th, 2008|06:54 pm] [ Tags | dream, job, work, wtf ] Well, shit. My dreams have been frequent and numerous, last night ending up with my friends from California, Dethklock, and myself on a cruise ship fighting the forces of evil. I watched a lot of holiday makers get grabbed and stabbed like dogday harvestflies in the clutches of a cicada killer, limb bodies dragged into the sea. I had guns, and metal, and willpower, but it was barely enough. Nathan Explosion is also useless in a fight. But, there is more important news. After spending yesterday feeling sunburned and self-loathy, I decided to make today productive. I applied to 17 jobs of various kinds and types, but nothing where I needed my degree. One such job actually responded, with some affection. After a brief email conversation where the head of the IT department realized I needed to get the hell out of Dodge, he agree to call me tomorrow for potential hiring. If not, oh well, but if so, I may be moving to Denver as soon as next week. FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Okay, it's basically minimum wage, but it would get me out of CT, I WOULD BE WORKING WITH NERDS <3, and since Denver has light rail, I might be able to forgo having a car, at least for a while. I am uncomfortable with how dependent this whole situation makes me on Hil, but on the other hand, she doesn't seem to mind, and if I'm at her house, I can help out and maybe take some pressure off her mom. At worst, this gives me some IT experience, and gets me in Denver until I can find a better job. Maybe it'll be sucky and grueling, but it beats being home and hating myself. Also, another two hours away from Matt, but once I have my own place, he can stay there and.. well, who the fuck knows what with immigration, but this could be really good. The guy is calling me tomorrow morning. If I don't get it, no biggie. The plan is to move to where ever Matt or I get a job first, with preference on Denver and or a job that pays well. This.. wouldn't be it, really, but.. but.. But I would like your opinions. Newport, songs, and more general update later. Edit: Now with tits. link 22 infected.|Devour the living.

I Got A Five On It [Jul. 2nd, 2008|11:49 pm] [ Tags | addiction, amelia, depression, music ] For those who know me, and know me well, they know I have an addiction. I've mentioned it before, but it's kind of embarrassing, and well.. It is pretty easy to hide, normally unobtrusive, but in England I dying for it. The stress of these past finals had me stealing poor substitutes from Gil's purse. Now, job searching in this orange basement, I am developing a two pack a day habit. Yes. I'm a Double Mint gum addict. I chew it long long past the point where it has no flavor, only giving it up to eat, and half the time I find myself chewing the thing to shreds and eating the tiny pieces. I even save the little silver wrappers. In high school, we would peel off the metal from the paper, and layer the cheap silverish leaf on your desks, notebooks. I have hundreds of the little slips, balled up and in a glass jar, or pressed meticulously flat in fancy cardboard containers. I may have a problem. But.. It's sort of a part of me. The Summer of '02, noted for its extreme depression, I existed on Double Mint Gum, Fruit2O, and Granny Smith apples alone. That, and extreme self-loathing explains my 20+ pound loss that summer, but it's always made me feel better. Brian and I would walk around the neighborhood in summers, and he would hug me and tell me I smelled wonderful, a mix of mint from my gum and my conditioner. Every time I've seen him, even years later, he remarks on it. I smell like those summers, walking and talking. It makes me happy. In other news, I have downloaded Firefox 3.0. Have you guys yet? I thought that it would take me a while to get used to it, but damn. It is only an upgrade. The address bar LEARNS, and just typing in some half remembered website and a keyword can get me to long lost pages, which has been useful during this jobless, searchful time. (Yo, my jobless friends, Indeed.com is the fucking MAN.) It has a plan, oh, oh I know.. But in this turbulent time, I would love a Firefoxian master. It would certainly make immigration simpler if there was one international government. Mumble mumble COMPLAIN. And finally, my new thing is telling Amelia "I got a 5 on it". This has made her confused and angry and lost, and I have been hit twice for it, even after playing the song. It feels like victory, for making her so confused. It's my new favorite nonsequitor response. Yeah. I got a five on it. I know I said I would post mixes, but um. Next time. P.S.: I have 30,126 songs. link 5 infected.|Devour the living.

Got Some Dirt On My Shoulder, Can You Brush It Off For Me? [Jun. 30th, 2008|11:33 pm] [ Tags | dream, future, gmmatt, job, kerrigan, sad ] To sum up this afternoon and tonight: No matter how badly you feel, it can be treated with Daft Punk. If that doesn't help, mix in a little rap, and pound back and few shots of Kanye West's "Stronger". My dreams have been very vivid and violent recently. I was queen of the sandy tar vines, and they wound around my limbs and obeyed by commands and bound and converted those around me like I was some alien-plant Kerrigan. They turned my skin black, flecked like shark skin, winding tighter and tighter as I stripped the wills and mind away from everyone who opposed me. I woke up panting, and dreamed more.. I dreamed I had a penis, I always had, and no one had noticed. Surely all girls had cocks, but wasn't mind big for a girl's? I was so confused, but it felt so real, I couldn't remember why I had never received a blowjob. Surely I would have tried. I touched myself and wondered the streets, looking for Matt. No seemed to mind. I dreamed I was in a perfect school, one of Matt's classmates. We were older, but happy.. And We saw two other boys beating a tiny toddler girl. Matt picked her up and cuddled her while I pushed around her bullies. We returned her to the teacher, who seemed unbothered. I pointed out the mean boys and they didn't get punished. They just sat us down to watch a video and.. Every fell asleep, except me. I walked into the teachers' lounge, where they shivered and shouted. How was I awake?! They said words and waved their hands, but I shook my head and kept my mind clear. They had been using hypnotism to keep all complaints and rebelliousness down, and I remember being bemused; it was such a nice place, but it was unacceptable. I scooped Matt up, and carried him in my arms like a doll, wondering how I was going to deprogram him. I dreamed I was cleaning the world of Zombies after the Apocalypse, as nanobots built towers in the ocean of undead coral that would never harm us. I swam like flying, and entered towns where I used a flam thrower and a shotgun to change the world for the better. I laughed; I had survived, and I was taking the world back.. But a young girl who was undead and sentient, came from nowhere, yelling at me, two living friends at her sides. She was pretty and slim and goth, with green wounds oozing. She was afraid to leave her house, because people like me made everyone think it was okay to kill her because she was dead. She hated me, because me above all others had destroyed her life. I didn't know what to say, but I felt so guilty. I tried to defend myself, but the friend ran her nails through the zombie girl's wounds, and stabbed my arm, breaking my skin and filling it with infection. I remember looking at it, the smug complete lack of empathy on her face. Frustration, anger.. I couldn't even explain how I felt, to have survived everything to be killed by some petty girl with a grudge, and not even a zombie. Infected by another living human. I felt my arm grow sore and tender and hot, and it hurt, and I felt so guilty, so upset, so frustrated.. I woke up feeling uncomfortable and sad. I dreamed I was lost in Amsterdam. I just wanted to get an apartment, to live with some friends, to live a stress free life. But soon my family was there, my cousin demanding we go.. somewhere. I couldn't buy a ticket, couldn't figure out where we were going. I was frustrated, and people told me so many contradictory things I decided to go shopping. I bought a tiny very very fuzzy pink moose, but soon I was being told my flight was leaving. I didn't even know where, with who, and over the speakers, saying my name loudly, over and over, You are holding up the flight, we are unloading your luggage from the plane. I Ran screaming, unsure of where to go, random people pulling at me or commenting on how I must be that lost girl. Katie showed up and led me to a monorail thing that would take me to my gate, but I got on and forgot to ask which button to push, and I was being taken even farther away, and I would miss my flight, where no idea where I was going, or how to leave, with no money, and hell, I almost lost my pink moose two times. I woke up so upset I was crying, having been left behind without a second thought, again. I cried out loud for a few minutes until I realized I was very very alone, and it was 8 in the morning, and there was no one to comfort me. I had the end of my cereal, instead. I applied to 12 jobs today. I cried more today than I have in weeks. Months. I wish my LJ entries weren't so pathetic, I feel almost guilty for burdening people with my feeling like shit.. But not quite. I just wish I had something better to say. Next time, I'll post some good mixes. Does anyone know where I can look for jobs? I've already tried Craigslist, Monster, Hotjobs, Coloradojobs, Jobsclosetohome, and a few others. link 7 infected.|Devour the living.

When It Comes To Females, Cosmo Ain't Got Nothin' To Do Wit' My Selection [Jun. 27th, 2008|03:21 pm] [ Tags | amelia, dad, england, future, gram, mom, wtf ] One of the problems with being home is communication. It's actually the major problem, more severe than allergies or heat or the lack of essentials like bread and milk and fruit or computer ineptitude that goes beyond mind-boggling. My parents don't do the talking thing, to anyone, not even each other. This explains a lot, for example, why my mother thinks there is no way anyone would discuss fetishes and kinks, why she thinks I know nothing about my boyfriend despite talking to him for hours a day, why she thinks I am cruel for Matt girly or feminine, why she just stares in disbelief when I explain my position on something intimate. There is no way I could know anything about my friends, my boyfriend, I am just naive for thinking people who willingly reveal these things to me, and that we could honestly talk about it. It's weird for me, to be around two people who never talk about how they feel, even when I prompt and ask them. I mean, my sister's not great at it, but her emotions are as easy to read as rolled eyes and annoyed grunts, and one on one Amelia and I can be honest to each other. Every attempt to open up to my parents either has them ignoring me or flipping out or using previous conversations against me. My mother doesn't apologize, which is annoying in its own way, and to express her own frustrations she nags or comes to sudden realizations that things are horrible or wrong. Instead of saying that she doesn't want me to leave, she says that I should just stay HOME until January, when I'll get insurance again.. As long as I stay home. I can't have a car, because it would be too expensive, and if I did have one, I couldn't drive it to Colorado, because apparently, I can't drive. If I went to Colorado I would have to , GARSP!!, get a full time job, and we all know I'm in capable of holding down jobs. I just wish she would tell me if she's disappointed or hurt or unhappy about what I am doing, and not invent stories to make me feel so much like shit I won't ever have the self esteem to leave. My father, on the other hand, can be quite supportive when he's not drunk and is bothering to listen to me.. But my mother and sister nag him hard, and he just shrugs it off with a gentle "If they have to hurt me to feel happy, then they must, and I'll suffer this weight gladly, despite my main bleeding wounds of a martyr." I'm the only one in my family who talks openly to my father about his drinking, about how I feel about him, and normally he just ignores me, reads a book, and pours himself another glass of wine. I am not joking when I say that if my sister talked to him about it, he would listen: the one time she stormed up to him screaming and took a glass from him (despite me rationally saying he shouldn't, as he was already drunk from a party (the response, "it's only one, kay?")), he didn't drink any more that night or at all for SIX WHOLE DAYS, and proudly tugged around a glass of soda, falling asleep in his own bed before 2am the whole week. Of course, he's drinking now, and no one has mentioned it to home in the two weeks I have been gone, but both my mom and sister have been on his ass, and he doesn't know why they have been so titchy. So, I need to leave. I don't think I can foster open communication, or even, get my mom to tell me honestly that she wants me to stay home because she's lonely. Sam once suggested never telling my parents anything, which is tough when they are basically the only people I see, and I do want to share my life with them. In short, I need to leave. On the plus side, I told my mom that when I went into Humberside airport, they asked me tons of very personal questions, and took forever. My mother somehow understood that I was DETAINED in Humberside for some length of time, despite me barely mentioning the questioning and going on for two paragraphs about how much I loved Matt's mother and the plane rides were fine. My mother told my grandmother, who spent some length of time gushing my extended family about how I was still detained in England, how I was tortured and suspected for being a terrorist, how I was basically being starved and water boarded. My sister fielded most of the damage, but I still had calls from cousins asking if I was okay, did I ever even get out of England? Insert a panel of Trina saying "JESUS". link 3 infected.|Devour the living.

Empty Out, And Reload More Slugs [Jun. 26th, 2008|09:31 am] [ Tags | anime, dad, england, food, games, gmmatt, happy, job, mom, sad, sex ] I'm back. First the emo, and then the recap. It kind of feels like I have two lives. I have one life where I am with Matt, and I feel confident and happy, and I laugh more, and I'm very rarely bitchy or mean though I can be a touch abusive to Matt and only Matt in hair-pulling, loving rape ways, and I feel good, satisfied, and not terrified by the world. I'm not afraid of dying or living forever in my parent's basement or never getting a job. I have a lot of hope for the future, and it makes me feel excited just to think about it. And then I'm home again, or Matt's gone, and it's very much like I just had an imaginary friend. I lose the confidence, and the trips to and from the airport with my unhelpful father and mother after 12 hours of travel can really take it out of you. All of a sudden everything's not okay anymore, and I have so much to do, and I feel so unprepared and full of the sudden, slick knowledge that if I stay here, I will die. I feel like shit. And yeah, I still have an imaginary friend, but it's really a short time before I forget how he feels, and how nice it is not to be alone, and how confident and sure and hopeful I felt. I really do feel like shit here, and it's more than just the allergies. I can't just leave though, not when I have and desperately need a job.. My parents don't want me to go but instead of saying, "I wish you would stay home" they just keep telling me how expensive it would be and how I can't do it. I think later today, I'll just start applying to everything everywhere, and if it means I am all by myself in Minnesota that's okay too, I just really, really need to leave. I feel so uncomfortable receiving help from friends, even though I know I need it, in part because it makes me hate myself. My parents are right, I really can't do anything by myself. And the like. You know. ( I guess what I am saying is, I really really just could have spent forever living in that tiny ground floor room in York for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't have minded, because when you get down to it, all I really want is to be out of my house and with Matt. ) Anyone know any good Music Mash-up sites? Vera? link 14 infected.|Devour the living.

They Don't Even Know It, But Jealousy Abounds Within Their Souls [Jun. 10th, 2008|11:06 pm] [ Tags | england, future, gil, gmmatt, hilary, love, me ] Yeah, look at that sexy hair! It's all nice and humidly curly. I gotta say, the heat makes me have gentle nightmares and move to the basement to sleep on the cold floor, but it also makes my hair pretty. So, silver lining. Also, tomorrow I go to England. We only really decided on it a few weeks ago, but it was a kinda I NEED TO DO THIS OR I DIE thing. You would assume I would be okay with long distances, and I am.. okay.. but I'm also dying on the inside and like any true necrosis I just feel sort of numb until something moves inside and it's all terrible and cry. I did spend most of tonight looking at comments on the Post Secret Facebook, sending messages of support to a few people. I realized part of what made me so strong was that I was honest with myself and to others, and I didn't feel ashamed. I don't feel ashamed anymore, and it makes me so much happier and gives me so much more freedom.. I have only a regret, and it's more heartbreaking than major. I don't take myself too seriously, this too shall pass, I try my best to be strong, I ask for help when I need it.. It's amazing how many shitty things have happened to me, but I don't want to change any of it. I don't feel weirded or ashamed by other people, and while I am occasionally awkward I excel at comfortable situations. So. I dunno. I don't feel like I have any secrets. I feel like if I did, I would feel less happy with myself. Though I will say I found Jake Hammer on Facebook, and nothing says amusing webcomic story arc like a childhood friend. I used to think that if anyone in the world could make me leave my current boy, it would be him, if only because he was so damnedably awesome. I don't think that applies anymore, and it's kind of liberating, but I do have somethings I would like to say to him. I still have to pack, get most of Matt's presents in order, clean up, oh dear. I am excited to leave, and being home has been almost pleasant. I don't know if time hasn't gone by but.. I don't miss school. I do miss company, especially when I have a great thought on the toilet and it's 2 in the morning and I can't just run into Gil's room screaming nonsense.. Yes, I miss company on the way too and from showers and bathrooms the most. We'll see if that changes. link 4 infected.|Devour the living.

"Look Into The Nipple Not Around The Nipple But Into The Nipple And You're Out." [Jun. 5th, 2008|07:05 am] [ Tags | amelia, art, future, gmmatt, home ] Still no webcam, but I will tomorrow. Maybe I will make a FSF a day. ..This episode of Stroker and Hoop has hypnotic boobs. Hypnotic. Boobs. I find myself increasingly amused at television. I forgot how much company a mumbling box can be, and also, how much I love Adult Swim. Yeah, okay, I know it's not hip to like TV, but it's been a lovely little release for me. I always crave watching something and tuning out, so this has been sweet. Of course, my days have been a soft mix of sleeping till lunch, eats, cooking, watching TV and playing on the computer, hanging out with Amelia. It's more or less perfect. You all know how glorious it is for me to just lay in bed, roll and shiver and nap and wake.. So good. And in a week, I'll be in England with my geekily beloved.. Except for intense fear of the future, I'm okay. My birth control is 70 dollars a month without insurance, car insurance will be so expensive, I still don't have a job, and in more humble fronts, I need to clean my room and my stuff from school before I go to the UK. Yet, I can't get too stressed yet. Home is more troublesome than any fear, and Allegra isn't cutting it. My eyes are two pits of fire. "Look at them bouncing, you liiiike it. Look at them bouncing, you love it. Give in to the nipples." Also, DAMN, androgyny is sexy. There is nothing like a girly boy to set my loins on fire. Oh fuck yes. I mean, now, it's only in an abstract way. You'd think, I've been dating Matt for a year, I wouldn't be stupid in love, but I am, and I am really only attracted to him. Oh sure, boning other people would be nice, and I'm still annoyed I didn't full advantage of the 'single' and 'women's college', oh, and there is always Yahtzee, sweet JESUS yes, but I mean, I really only want him. And that's.. That's weird. Really, I just need to put Matt in a dress. Aaand rape him. In other news, nothing has happened to me since my graduation party, which was a lot of drunk people and a lot of fine friends and a lot of awesome comments and conversations and a lot of uncomfortable sleep. I really wanna have a horror movie marathon. I'm in the mood to be skurred. link 11 infected.|Devour the living.

Toki Wartooth, Not A Bumblebee [May. 27th, 2008|05:24 am] [ Tags | carter, dad, future, happy, internet, kristina, mhc, mom, nerd, vera ] Too lazy to get my webcam. So, what the fuck. Graduation. I come to you with two majors, one degree, mild sunburn (THANK YOU SO MUCH KRISTINA, SPF 70 WAS ALMOST ENOUGH) and a feeling of rising elation. Sitting between two laptops, unwashed and amused, I felt a sudden open-ness. This is the rest of my life. I felt completely liberated, ready for anything, like nothing was wrong. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't afraid of being afraid. Everything just felt.. so perfect. I left campus and barely cried; it felt cathartic and sweet and tender... My mother sobbed like a baby, and I choked up only as I left Blanchard for the last time, holding her as she sniffled and whimpered to the car. "It was good, Mom.. It was really good." ( Love, Leaving, Liquor, and Linux. ) But today marked the first time EVER, EVER that my father has agreed that I know more about computers than he does. The first time he's acknowledged that I am smart, educated, know what I am doing. About.. mostly anything, except maybe bugs, and periods. And both my dad and my mom were treating me like an adult. That and the allergy meds have made being home.. Pleasent. For the first time in years and years and years.. Made even better by the hope and excitement of my life ahead of me. I'm sure there will be low points OH GOD JOB MARKET WHY WHY AAAGH, but you know.. It'll all be good. Congrats, class of '08. And thank you class of '83, who made me feel like everything was gonna be fine. link 10 infected.|Devour the living.

I Have A Mandolin, I Play It All Night Long [May. 22nd, 2008|09:20 pm] [ Tags | amelia, gmmatt, home, lonely, mom, nate ] I have so much in my head, but when it gets late at night, all I wanna do is cuddle and be soft and gentle and romantic... And failing that, be full of gentle lonely thoughts. I may have had long distance loves, but I've never been in a long distance relationship, where a third of the time, slightly less, he's real and breathing and with me and everything is right.. And two thirds of the time I feel empty and hollow and jealous, like I am in love with a figment of my imagination. During the day it's so hard to think, I think I want to keep myself occupied so it hurts less. And night comes.. My sister, bless her, has just fallen for a boy who lives in Nevada, and my mom is confused and upset. "They only started dating a short while ago!" "Mom," I say. "I know." She says. "But he lives so so far away." "Mom!" I say. "I know, I know," she says, "But they have so little time!" "MOM," I sigh. "I know... But how can love blossom so far away!?" "..Mom. ..Mom. It'll work or it won't, and it'll be fine. Amelia needs to try this out." "I know, I know, I know... But.." "Mom, look who you're talking to. At least he lives in the same country. Be thankful." In other news, yesterday was.. kind of awesome, kind of sucky, and very funny. I got two hours of sleep in my cat covered house (my mom has been letting the cat in my room, possible as an unconscious punishment for me moving to CO), in between shitting and coughing. I went in for my colonoscopy alone, waited around and panicked, went in and under pleasantly. I'm fine, though I was nervous and chatty during it. I spent a few hours at home weakly trying to remember words, ate lunch with Nate and Amelia (where my cousin professed his undying love for Yahtzee), went shopping with my mother for a million and a half hours, came back to school to Quinn having an asthma attack; my mom drove us tot he hospital and we waited around, my mom had to leave, and in truth, so did I. I was fading fast, dizzy as hell, and exhausted. I came home, cleaned up, and passed out, and remained asleep for 14ish hours. Matt called me around hour 10, and I answered the call, falling in and out of sleep, barely able to talk. Today was good in many ways; Jeanette ran her first ever game--Paranoia--and rocked the shit out of Kelsey and I. My character, cough cough Wootio-R-MCI, was hilarious and cocky and very fun to play. I think Wootio Woosi will be an old standby, as he is just great to get into. Something about the third person and rolling well, I s'pose. I am trying to finish El's blanket, but I took too much time off, and it's looking doubtful. I'm feeling wired now, possibly due to waking up at 3. Sucks for graduating practice in the morning. I am gonna miss this place, especially for those first few weeks ago, especially if I am home. Still, I'm excited. Hilary is a great person, and she'll be an excellent roommate. Getting a whole living space to share with her makes me very happy. link 5 infected.|Devour the living.

Girlfriends, Girlfriends, Never Could Be Mine [May. 15th, 2008|01:53 am] [ Tags | alexis, future, happy, kimi, memory, plants, sleep ] Four years and I'm feeling strangely nostalgic. It's over, it's done. The last few finals weren't great, but were relatively painless, I slept enough and ate enough, I was nominally social. Now, I just want to relax, wear as few close as possible for as long as possible, and participate in my favorite activity: laying in bed in mornings, letting the hours drift by warm and comfortable and happy, knowing I have nothing to do and no reason to get up, directed only by needs and my own action. If heaven is a feeling, an extended blissful moment, it's the hours slipping in and out to sleep in a quiet, cool room under warm blankets, were you toss and turn with ecstasy and not annoyance. When I am stressed, it's all I want. It's the best thing I can do for me, most days. Since I handed everything in, the past few days have been.. glorious beyond words. Especially since I won't get this for any length, for a long long time. I keep thinking about first year, cute stories about Alexis and Kimi, about sophomore year with forced anime and depression and drunk Alexis time and long nights playing CoH, exploring the world for the first time with Simon, junior year with Xtine next door, everyone so so close, it was so amazing, and study abroad, one of the most amazing times of my life.. I'll write some nostalgic post soon, and write more; it's how I'm keeping on contact with so many of you fucks, so appreciate it. My plants are growing with reckless abandon, I have exactly one million yarn thanks to Jess, my room is getting slowly cleaner and slowly more empty. I have.. a week and some here left and well, I feel exactly like I did when I left high school. Cathartic, hopeful, a little scared. I'll miss this place, but I'm so happy for the rest of my life. I've grown a lot.. I can even feel myself changing. Less nice, more blunt, happier, my heart feels like it's opening to accept everything, more patient with the deserving and less willing to spend time with people who make me sad. I can feel myself getting harder, more confident, funnier, more affectionate in that my affection means more to me and others. I feel fixed, happy, in my relationship, and I don't really desire anyone else in any real way. No jobs yet, though good noises from a few places.. I need to get off my ass and apply more. Oh, and Wednesday, I get a colonoscopy. Some people do wild and crazy things during senior week.. I'm gonna have a little Indian guy look at my insides, watch Japanese porn with friends, and ride the PVTA for hours. link 6 infected.|Devour the living.

I'm Afraid Of The Dark Without You Close To Me [May. 6th, 2008|12:41 am] [ Tags | future, gmmatt, music, panic, school, work ] I forgot how much I loved and ached with Magnetic Fields. Fuck, they are good. It helps, now, I guess, that I am overcome with a very quiet lonesomeness that surpasses even my worry and panic. Maybe it shouldn't. But it's hard, watching plays about puppet sex and reading about English condom use and the music, going on and on about lost loves and distance. I guess I can't really complain though, as Gina says, When the biggest worry in your relationship is temporal displacement, you know you got something good. He makes me so happy, and it's so hard be away from him. Yeah I know Iharp on the same shit, but.. I can just almost see Matt, sometimes, and he's got these tiny little wrinkles around his eyes when he smiles, and his hands are always very smooth and soft... ...I guess the hard shit stays hard. It's not getting any easier. My room has been full of people, and it's been nice. I've had some awesome conversations in my weakened state. I've been sick; I had a very minor sickness/flue thing, and spent the past three days in bed, feeling feverish and having dreams about stopping the BLU team from winning in TF2. Last night, my fever broke mostly, and I dreamed of beautiful jellyfish sirens, singing songs that stole everything you were, reversible, harmless, violent. I wrestled with my sister who had hard their songs, and felt her skin wet under my fingers as her face mutated into a biting maw. I should be working, or sleeping. I napped, I read so much, and I'm feeling so.. unmotivated. ( Table 1.1: The Mount Holyoke Game, 05.06.08 Entry. ) Doable in five days, but I need to get off my ass. I have one activity a day until the 11th, but yeah, I need to.. Work. Move. Do something. Instead, I watch anime, desperately crochet, I feel too cold or too hot, break out into desperate sweats, and ache. I'm more better now than I have been in days, but ick, ick ick, I don't want to do anything. At all. For weeks. And then I wanna work. Instead, I'll just apply to jobs and more jobs, and panic, and miss Matt, and tend to my plants, and feel lonely, and enjoy my last few weeks of having my friends so close before we scatter to the four winds. I have to say, I'm sort of looking forward to leaving in general, and very looking forward to Colorado, in specific. link 2 infected.|Devour the living.

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]